I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
