Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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