its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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