last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize