My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
