His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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