The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
