I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
