my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
