We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
