U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
