Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
