What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
