I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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