my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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