Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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