im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
