never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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