It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
