The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
