Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
