Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
