I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
