in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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