sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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