Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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