I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize