So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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