im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
