Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
