im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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