I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
