shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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