dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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