I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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