seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
