My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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