bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
