Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
