She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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