dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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