Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
