Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
