sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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