Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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