I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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