I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
