Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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