The maid of honor just puked.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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