God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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