Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
