How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize