You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
