At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
