Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize