just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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