remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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