my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I'm bleeding and have questions
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
