I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Randomize
