so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
