Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
